I haven’t written in awhile because it seems like there is nothing new to say. I am still waiting, still waiting, still waiting…. But yesterday it all got to be a bit too much. I think I broke down crying about four separate times yesterday. Those of you who are female probably understand - isn’t it MADNESS the way that our hormones control our life sometimes? If you’re male and you don’t get it, sorry.

Anyway, yesterday I just felt like I couldn’t take it anymore. I was exhausted and my back was killing me and there really are no comfortable positions left, whether I’m sitting, standing, lying down - it doesn’t matter. And why am I so exhausted some days and have much more energy on other days? It makes no sense, and throws a wrench in many a plan. For example, we have a garden in our backyard that is producing in abundance - it’s really been amazing to watch it grow, actually. We planted in early March and now we have tomatoes, green bell peppers, chilies, kale, cucumbers, and tons of different herbs - it’s fascinating, and so rewarding to eat something you cultivated yourself. We’re still waiting on yellow bell peppers, eggplant, and butternut squash.

So, I had big plans yesterday to make homemade spaghetti sauce out of our garden fresh tomatoes - I’d been planning it for a few days and was totally psyched. But by the time the afternoon rolled around, it was all I could do to lie on the couch and read a book. I was so frustrated. My hubby ended up cooking dinner for us - which, I think he will freely admit, is not exactly his area of expertise. It’s happened maybe 2 or 3 other times in our marriage. Not that I mind - I like to cook, I’m good at it, and he helps clean up. It works for us. But what I mean is, you know that if he’s cooking, I’m REALLY out of it.

And so, I ended up a blubbering, sobbing mess - not once, but perhaps three or four times yesterday. Sheerly out of exhaustion and frustration. And it’s really not encouraging when people tell me that NOW is the time to rest, since “you will only be more exhausted once the baby’s here.” I mean, even if it’s true, just spare me the facts right now, people, please! I need to hear about the good stuff - not further reasons I’m going to want to tear my hair out and check into the loony bin. Just a few encouraging words, is that too much to ask?!?!

Well, anyway, today I feel a bit more stable. We’ll see if it lasts….

Well, today my hubby found out that not one, not two, but three of his pieces were accepted into the Visual Arts exhibit at the HopeArts Festival this summer! Two photographs and one digital illustration! He has been waiting with baited breath to find out, especially since I found out last week about my acceptance into the Spoken Word event. I am so proud for him!

So, as promised in an earlier post, here is the schedule for the whole festival. If you are in Austin this summer, be sure to check it out. It only comes around every other summer!

• Thur, July 12: Acoustic Showcase (downtown on 6th Street at the Parish, $5) - 8:00 pm
• Fri, Jul 13: Visual Art Exhibit Opening, Hope Chapel, 7 - 10 pm, and Performance Art + Gallery Talk at 8:00 pm
• Sat, Jul 14: Children’s Art Pavilion, Hope Chapel, 10 am - 12 noon
• Sat, Jul 14: Classical Music Concert, 810 W. 31st Street, 8:00 pm - $5
• Sun, Jul 15: Interview with Guest Visual Artist Pamela Nelson, Hope Chapel, 9 am and 11 am
• Sun, Jul 15: 5-Minutes Max with Visual Artists: meet the artists, hear about their pieces
• Fri, Jul 20: Spoken Word, Cafe Mundi, 7:00 pm
• Sat, Jul 21: Creativity Circus, Hope Chapel, 9 am - 2 pm
• Sat, Jul 21: “C.S. Lewis on Stage,” Hope Chapel, 7:00 pm, $5
• Sun, Jul 22: Interview with Guest Performing Artist, David Payne, Hope Chapel, 9 am and 11 am

There you have it! Hope to see some of you at the events. Should be a really great time!

On another note, I started having contractions yesterday! Whoo hoo - finally! Nothing regular yet - but I’ll keep you posted…

Well, I am one week and six days from my due date, which actually means that baby could join us at anytime now. The flurry of activity that I’ve been putting myself through in preparation for her arrival - that “nesting” instinct - has started to slow down a little bit, as there is less and less organizing to do (although I’m sure I could always find something else!). I feel as though I’ve entered a sort of holding pattern - like when your plane arrives at its destination, only you’re not allowed to land yet, because of weather conditions or whatnot. So you just circle and circle the city, looking down at it from 3,000 feet - so close yet still so far - and all you want to do is get off the plane and go home to what is familiar and comfortable. Only, in this case, I’m not going anywhere even remotely familiar. It is new and uncharted territory, and while I’ve never shied away from exploring new places and cultures, this is entirely different.

Lately I’ve heard stories and comments from various people about the way that their baby arrived when “they were ready.” I didn’t really pick up on the theme, actually, but my hubby did, and the other night he asked me whether or not I was “ready.” He wasn’t talking about nursery decorations or having our bags packed for the hospital stay; rather, he was talking about my emotions and my state of mind. Had I really embraced the reality of this baby’s arrival, and decided I was ready? I think he was only half-serious, but the question triggered something inside of me, and I realized that actually, I didn’t really feel ready at all. As much I dislike being pregnant and would love for it to be done with, at least I know how to be pregnant. It’s become normal and familiar, and I know what to expect and how to handle it. It’s something I imagine that I have a measure of control over (vain imaginings, to be sure, but the illusion is there, nonetheless).

However, I have no idea what lies beyond pregnancy. I don’t have a clue about the ways that my life and my marriage are about to change. There is excitement and joy, to be sure, but there is also a fear of the unknown. And because it’s the unknown, I must relinquish my illusions of control - and oh, how I love that illusion. Entering this world of parenthood will be the biggest transition I’ve ever made, and it’s a really big deal, and there’s no going back. There is a song by Sara Groves called “Painting Pictures of Egypt,” and while it’s not perfectly appropriate to my situation, I can relate somewhat, especially to this part:

I was dying for some freedom
But now I hesitate to go
I’m caught between the promise
And the things I know

Man, isn’t this true for all of us sometimes, at the start of a new venture? God is always stretching us, taking us out of our comfort zone and asking us to take that next step of faith with Him. I know I’m far from alone in this, and that’s both comforting and strengthening to my heart. As I talked with God and my hubby about these things, and shed quite a few tears to boot, I came to realize, once again, how faithful our Father is. We often forget it, in our human frailty and self-absorption. But faithful He is and always will be. Not only that, but He is also good. Yeehaw! He has replaced my fears with faith, and everytime I’m tempted to let the fears back in, He is standing by to replace them all over again.

So, I think I’m ready now. Actually, my parents are in Montana on vacation, and won’t be back until Tuesday night. I’d like them to be a little closer than Montana when I have the baby, so I think I will be ready on Tuesday night! And in the meantime I’ll continue to wait on God. There’s a reason for every holding pattern He gives us - something I should learn, or something that should happen - while I’m circling this great unknown place, waiting to touch down.

So I just found out that my entry was accepted into the Spoken Word event at the 2007 Hope Arts Festival this summer! I’m pretty excited. I’ve never done anything like this before; I’ll be reading aloud a piece I’ve written on the joys and wonders of my journey through pregnancy.

…OK, actually, it’s more like the low-down and dirty scoop on pregnancy that no one ever tells you about….

The event is on July 20 at 7:00 pm at Cafe Mundi. There’s about 8 of us performing, I think. If you’re in town, come check it out! Actually, the whole Arts Festival is not to be missed. As soon as I have the final details of the whole schedule, I’ll post them here.

Well, I haven’t posted in a little while… this past weekend was a busy one! My best girlfriend treated me to a lovely girls’ night slumber party at the Stephen F. Austin Intercontinental Hotel! It was sort of like our last blast before mommyhood kicks in. We had a fabulous weekend that was really - let’s be honest - all about the food. Lunch at Julio’s, dinner at Z Tejas, a tiny splurge at Amy’s, and then breakfast at Trudy’s - mmmmm, migas! What more could you really ask for in a girl’s weekend? Oh, okay - there was also lots of great conversation and catching up - that was pretty cool, too. Overall, it was a splendid time.

Then on Sunday afternoon my hubby and I went to a wedding shower, and in the evening a wedding! (Two different couples, of course.) Both were a lot of fun, especially the wedding - we got to see a lot of people we hadn’t spent time with in awhile, and the wedding itself was beautiful - very Christ-centered and full of His grace. It was a truly lovely day - but boy, was I exhausted at the end of it all! The daily high temperature is getting up to about 95 degrees fahrenheit now, and I am starting to understand why everyone told me it was so great that I won’t be pregnant through the hottest part of the summer!

There is a lot going through my brain right now, but I have been hesitant to write about it, for lots of different reasons. The baby is due in 17 days, and I find that childbirth is consuming most of my thoughts. We have taken Bradley Method childbirth classes in preparation to have a natural childbirth - meaning, no drugs or interventions if we can at all avoid it. While plenty of well-meaning people have told me I’m crazy for wanting to avoid pain relief in childbirth (maybe you’re one of them!), it’s really important to me. But as it draws closer, I find myself becoming fearful that I won’t be able to do it, and that I will crumble under the intensity of it all and start begging for drugs.

If you’re a praying person, please pray for me concerning this.

Please pray that through God’s grace and strength, I will endure the pain. Here is one way to pray: If you know us, you probably know that we want to move overseas someday, and we might possibly move to an area of the world where martyrdom is a real possibility. While I am not afraid to die for my faith, I have always feared the pain of being tortured for my faith. I am actually trying to look at the pain of childbirth as a sort of “testing ground” for that. Sounds weird, maybe, I know…but it’s true.

Well, I am supposed to be sleeping right now, so I think I’ll head back to bed. My sweet hubby doesn’t even know I’m missing - these middle-of-the-night sojourns are becoming more and more normal to me and I’m so glad that he can just sleep through them. At least one of us will still be rested when the baby gets here! Ha…

Today my husband had coffee with a friend of ours who lives in East Asia. He’s in town for a few months this summer and they’ve been trying to get together for a little while now. This friend is one of those very intense personality types who is always reading, always learning, always pushing people out of their comfort zone (himself included), and always full of ideas and thinking of better ways to do things. He has strong opinions, but they’re usually good opinions. It’s always stimulating to spend time with him, and for my hubby, today was no exception.

My husband came home and filled me in on some of their conversation. They had talked of many things related to the gospel and being who we’re called to be, and one of the key points was intentionality. Small, intentional communities that encourage and hold accountable; intentional relationships with the people God has brought into our lives; intentional time in God’s word - all of these things might sound familiar and old to some. But as I listened, I realized how small my world has become lately. Preparing to become a mom has, in some ways, consumed my life. My days are filled with laundering little pink things, reading up on parenting philosophies, organizing our home in preparation for a new addition, etc. It is both to my credit and one of my flaws that I generally approach new ventures with a determination to learn everything there is to know, and to attain perfection in that venture - or as close to it as you can get. My approach to parenting hasn’t really been any different.

But tunnel vision isn’t exactly what I’m after, either. It’s been awhile since I thought about intentionally building relationships outside of my Christian circle. It’s been awhile since I felt the fire that I used to thrive on, thinking missionally about everyone I meet and everything I do. I don’t like that. I have seen how people become too comfortable with their lives: get married, buy a home, have a baby, buy a bigger car, find a better job, have another baby, etc. There’s nothing necessarily wrong with this picture - IF you’re able to do it all with a Kingdom perspective - IF you can remain unattached to it all - if you can step outside of it at any given moment and know that there is something much more glorious worth living and dying for, and know that you’d chuck it all if you were asked. But that’s just it - most people can’t do that. Most people get sucked into the “American Dream,” and never realize that they’ve set aside God’s dreams for them.

Lord, spare me from such foolishness. Help me to balance becoming a mom with continuing to become the person You created me to be, and rekindle the fire inside of me for Your gospel and Your glory to be made known to all the peoples of the earth - on the other side of the world, as well as right here in my neighborhood.

I’m done! I’m done! I’m done!

Yesterday was my last day at the office, and as of today I am officially a stay-at-home-almost-mom. Isn’t that CRAZY?!? Well, at least it’s crazy to me. Except for brief periods of transition, I’ve had a job from the moment I turned sixteen. Yesterday I was at the office pretty late, cleaning up files and cleaning out my cube, and generally just wrapping things up. I turned off the computer for the last time, turned off the lights, and looked around - not really believing that I wouldn’t be coming back today, or ever again. It was very surreal. Then I went downstairs, turned in my keys and credit card, and walked out those doors for the last time as an employee. Very weird.

But very…… happy. I have been looking forward to this day for a long time, and all mixed emotions aside, I am primarily so happy and relieved to be able to stay home and REST a little bit, before my baby arrives on the scene (due date is 4 weeks from today!).

So, what did I do today on my first day at home? Well, I slept in a little bit, had an appointment at church for the 2007 Hope Arts Festival this summer, came home and had a little lunch, and then slept some more! Hee hee hee… Sleep has become such a coveted commodity these days. I make no apologies.

And tonight I am having a hot date with my hubby! We’re going to eat Indian food, and then we’ll probably come home and watch a movie or something. Not quite the dream date I described in the previous post, but then again, I’m not supposed to be pregnant in the dream date. So that will just have to wait…..