Fox and I have been re-evaluating our life lately.  To say that this past year has been hard is putting it rather mildly.  Survival mode has become the norm; even when things are going better, they’re hard.

One of the ways that we have dealt with this - one of the UN-healthy ways - is by turning to the internet for some vegging-out entertainment.  The end of the day comes, Ladybug’s finally in bed asleep, and all we want to do is collapse on the couch with something mindless.  We don’t have a TV, so what do we do?  We surf the net.  On two separate laptops.

We’ve realized how many things this is keeping us from doing.  For me, reading books, sewing, creating things, pursuing music, working on the garden, organizing, writing, and keeping up with friendships are all things that I set aside regularly in favor of the mind-numbing amusement I find online.  Fox has his own list.  But the one most important thing on both of our lists is our marriage - our relationship with each other.  Not that we’ve neglected it, exactly - it’s just not as good as it could be, as we want it to be.  And it’s harder now than before Ladybug came along - a lot harder.  Extra effort is needed, not extra zoning-out.

We’ve decided to take some drastic measures.  We’re going to get rid of one of our laptops.  That way, if Fox is using it for school in the evening, I will be doing something else, hopefully from that list above.  If he needs to take it to school, I will check and reply to email in the evenings when he gets home.  If not, I’ll have it all day, and he’ll check when he gets home.  Then we’ll pursue other things, together or separately, but other, worthwhile things.

I have also decided to stop blogging.  This has been a hard decision but I think it is the right one.  I wanted to blog for a number of reasons, but they aren’t working out like I hoped they would.  For one, I wanted a creative outlet.  I had fun designing my blog, but the writing itself just doesn’t work for me online.  I think I need to write by hand, in a journal, for my creativity to flow.  My mind goes blank when I sit down at a computer to write.  I end up writing silly stuff.

For two, I wanted to stay in touch with friends around the world.  What I found was that when I connected with friends this way, the communication often became too much for me to keep up with.  I am not even good at finding time and energy to maintain friendships with people right here in town, much less deepen those friendships!  And while I am already blessed with many deep friendships with people who live in other places, I need to communicate with them at a little bit slower pace.  I am an introvert - an overwhelmed, tired, busy introvert - and I just can’t handle all the relationships, all at once, that blogging brings.

And then there was the temptation to be a “power blogger.”  I am a driven person (at least, I used to be… I THINK I still am?…when I’m not so tired…)  and I like to stand out, to be the best, to receive praise.  A friend once told me that I want to be unique and special, but that I’m not - I’m just a normal person like everybody else.  She wasn’t trying to be cruel; she was being honest.  God has been dealing with me about that for awhile now, but blogging made it harder.  I wanted tons of readers, but I don’t have the time or energy that I need to put in to make that happen.  And that has nothing to do with why I started to blog in the first place!  Argh!  (Insert pirate accent there.  It’s fun.)  So, yes - temptation.

Anyway - there you have it.  I will leave this blog up indefinitely, and maybe I’ll update it now and then with family news and tidbits that friends might like to hear about.  I don’t know - we’ll see.  I’m looking forward to doing other things, though.  Thanks for being a reader, whoever you may be.   I appreciate it!

A wedding is a very grounding, centering thing for me to witness. Being at a wedding always reminds me of what’s really important: my husband, and the covenant we entered into on March 11, 2005; my daughter, and the joy (and responsibility!) that she brings; my relationship with a covenantal God, and the ways that He has blessed me beyond all reason, beyond anything I could ever have planned for myself, far beyond what I deserve.

Tonight I went to a friend’s wedding. She is older - 36, I think - and one of those people of whom other people always say, “She’s such an amazing woman! Why isn’t she married yet?” (I won’t go into the reasons why this is a terrible way to think. But it is. It’s also beside the point.) The wedding was so beautiful and joyous, one of the most joyous I have ever been to. You could tell that everyone was just bursting with happiness for her, and she was absolutely radiant.

During the officiant’s message, he told her, almost as an aside, “Put away your preoccupations with what you thought your life would be like.” Isn’t that interesting? I found it extremely insightful. Marrying at age 36 is probably not what she had in mind for her life ten or fifteen years ago. Ten or fifteen years ago, she probably thought she would have been married for awhile by now, likely with a few kids in tow. Why did Dr. Taylor choose to say those words? Was it something specific for her that he knew she needed to hear? Or was it something more general to us as women, or even to all of our human natures?

I don’t know. But those words stood out from among all the others as though they were directed personally to me via a megaphone from heaven. I have been fighting to put away some preoccupations of my own for a little while now. It’s selfish and ungrateful to hang on to those preoccupations, I know that. Yet sometimes it is so hard to move forward. I don’t know what or where forward is. I don’t know what lies ahead - and of course, in reality, I never did.

I want to be content with my circumstances, ALL of the time. I want to be grateful, and cognizant of how BLESSED I am, ALL of the time.

And I want to dream new dreams.