It’s 5:50 am. My water broke at 5:00 am. The contractions are about 8 minutes apart. Whoo hoo!

Well, I bet some of you thought that the reason I haven’t posted in a week is because we had a baby… Alas, no. No, it is because our internet has been out since last Monday the 25th, shortly after my last post. We have been disconnected from the world since then, but yesterday the trusty AT&T man finally arrived and restored our internet connection and our sanity. Man, we are dependent on this technology! - much more than we would like to admit, or is probably healthy. Not only do we use it for email, blogs, etc, but we also do all our banking online, get our news & weather reports online (since we don’t have a TV), etc. So we really felt isolated from the world in a way. We are also way behind on emails, so if you have emailed us and we haven’t replied, that’s why. We’re going to try and catch up soon.

I’m also glad we’re back online because we’re planning on using this website to time my contractions, if they ever start. Do you think someone could possibly stay pregnant forever?

So, no, there is no baby yet, and yes, the discomfort and pain continue, and I’m trying not to stress out. I think one thing that is making it difficult is that people are constantly calling me and asking what the status is. Between all my family, all my hubby’s family, and all our friends, it’s getting to be a bit overwhelming and discouraging, trying to field so many phone calls and telling everyone the same thing: “Nope, no baby yet. Yep, I’m fine, thanks. Nope, no updates.” I know people are calling because they care and they love me, so it makes me feel like an ungrateful little girl, but it’s really stressful for me, too. So we are probably going to stop answering our phones for awhile. I feel like it’s just something I need to do to keep my sanity right now. And we promise that we will make sure people know the updates, when there is something to know!

In case anyone’s counting, I am now 4 days past due, calculated based on a 40 week pregnancy. But here is what we learned in childbirth class: the AVERAGE (not the extreme, but the average) first pregnancy actually lasts 41 weeks and one day. Which would mean a new “due date” of July 7. But I might go longer than average, too - obviously some women do, that’s why there’s an average. So, to start asking all about inducing and “do doctors let you go that long?” and all sorts of things like that is actually premature at this point. My doctor takes a very hands-off approach and believes in allowing the natural process to unfold as God intended it to, which is one reason I chose this doctor - I love that. However, it is true that the later I go, the more inclined he will be to start discussing induction; after all, he is still a doctor, he still has to make decisions about what’s best for the baby and me, and he will probably err on the side of caution (as most doctors do these days, since people are so willing to sue their doctors left and right). All that to say, please pray that I have this baby soon. I don’t want to be induced, since the chances of having a natural childbirth are greatly decreased when you induce. I am being challenged to trust God in ways that I never have before, and I know He is good. But it’s still hard.

And if anyone here in town has a pool they would let me come float in for a few hours to relieve the back pain, I’ll kiss your feet and be forever grateful.

I haven’t written in awhile because it seems like there is nothing new to say. I am still waiting, still waiting, still waiting…. But yesterday it all got to be a bit too much. I think I broke down crying about four separate times yesterday. Those of you who are female probably understand - isn’t it MADNESS the way that our hormones control our life sometimes? If you’re male and you don’t get it, sorry.

Anyway, yesterday I just felt like I couldn’t take it anymore. I was exhausted and my back was killing me and there really are no comfortable positions left, whether I’m sitting, standing, lying down - it doesn’t matter. And why am I so exhausted some days and have much more energy on other days? It makes no sense, and throws a wrench in many a plan. For example, we have a garden in our backyard that is producing in abundance - it’s really been amazing to watch it grow, actually. We planted in early March and now we have tomatoes, green bell peppers, chilies, kale, cucumbers, and tons of different herbs - it’s fascinating, and so rewarding to eat something you cultivated yourself. We’re still waiting on yellow bell peppers, eggplant, and butternut squash.

So, I had big plans yesterday to make homemade spaghetti sauce out of our garden fresh tomatoes - I’d been planning it for a few days and was totally psyched. But by the time the afternoon rolled around, it was all I could do to lie on the couch and read a book. I was so frustrated. My hubby ended up cooking dinner for us - which, I think he will freely admit, is not exactly his area of expertise. It’s happened maybe 2 or 3 other times in our marriage. Not that I mind - I like to cook, I’m good at it, and he helps clean up. It works for us. But what I mean is, you know that if he’s cooking, I’m REALLY out of it.

And so, I ended up a blubbering, sobbing mess - not once, but perhaps three or four times yesterday. Sheerly out of exhaustion and frustration. And it’s really not encouraging when people tell me that NOW is the time to rest, since “you will only be more exhausted once the baby’s here.” I mean, even if it’s true, just spare me the facts right now, people, please! I need to hear about the good stuff - not further reasons I’m going to want to tear my hair out and check into the loony bin. Just a few encouraging words, is that too much to ask?!?!

Well, anyway, today I feel a bit more stable. We’ll see if it lasts….

Well, I am one week and six days from my due date, which actually means that baby could join us at anytime now. The flurry of activity that I’ve been putting myself through in preparation for her arrival - that “nesting” instinct - has started to slow down a little bit, as there is less and less organizing to do (although I’m sure I could always find something else!). I feel as though I’ve entered a sort of holding pattern - like when your plane arrives at its destination, only you’re not allowed to land yet, because of weather conditions or whatnot. So you just circle and circle the city, looking down at it from 3,000 feet - so close yet still so far - and all you want to do is get off the plane and go home to what is familiar and comfortable. Only, in this case, I’m not going anywhere even remotely familiar. It is new and uncharted territory, and while I’ve never shied away from exploring new places and cultures, this is entirely different.

Lately I’ve heard stories and comments from various people about the way that their baby arrived when “they were ready.” I didn’t really pick up on the theme, actually, but my hubby did, and the other night he asked me whether or not I was “ready.” He wasn’t talking about nursery decorations or having our bags packed for the hospital stay; rather, he was talking about my emotions and my state of mind. Had I really embraced the reality of this baby’s arrival, and decided I was ready? I think he was only half-serious, but the question triggered something inside of me, and I realized that actually, I didn’t really feel ready at all. As much I dislike being pregnant and would love for it to be done with, at least I know how to be pregnant. It’s become normal and familiar, and I know what to expect and how to handle it. It’s something I imagine that I have a measure of control over (vain imaginings, to be sure, but the illusion is there, nonetheless).

However, I have no idea what lies beyond pregnancy. I don’t have a clue about the ways that my life and my marriage are about to change. There is excitement and joy, to be sure, but there is also a fear of the unknown. And because it’s the unknown, I must relinquish my illusions of control - and oh, how I love that illusion. Entering this world of parenthood will be the biggest transition I’ve ever made, and it’s a really big deal, and there’s no going back. There is a song by Sara Groves called “Painting Pictures of Egypt,” and while it’s not perfectly appropriate to my situation, I can relate somewhat, especially to this part:

I was dying for some freedom
But now I hesitate to go
I’m caught between the promise
And the things I know

Man, isn’t this true for all of us sometimes, at the start of a new venture? God is always stretching us, taking us out of our comfort zone and asking us to take that next step of faith with Him. I know I’m far from alone in this, and that’s both comforting and strengthening to my heart. As I talked with God and my hubby about these things, and shed quite a few tears to boot, I came to realize, once again, how faithful our Father is. We often forget it, in our human frailty and self-absorption. But faithful He is and always will be. Not only that, but He is also good. Yeehaw! He has replaced my fears with faith, and everytime I’m tempted to let the fears back in, He is standing by to replace them all over again.

So, I think I’m ready now. Actually, my parents are in Montana on vacation, and won’t be back until Tuesday night. I’d like them to be a little closer than Montana when I have the baby, so I think I will be ready on Tuesday night! And in the meantime I’ll continue to wait on God. There’s a reason for every holding pattern He gives us - something I should learn, or something that should happen - while I’m circling this great unknown place, waiting to touch down.

Well, I haven’t posted in a little while… this past weekend was a busy one! My best girlfriend treated me to a lovely girls’ night slumber party at the Stephen F. Austin Intercontinental Hotel! It was sort of like our last blast before mommyhood kicks in. We had a fabulous weekend that was really - let’s be honest - all about the food. Lunch at Julio’s, dinner at Z Tejas, a tiny splurge at Amy’s, and then breakfast at Trudy’s - mmmmm, migas! What more could you really ask for in a girl’s weekend? Oh, okay - there was also lots of great conversation and catching up - that was pretty cool, too. Overall, it was a splendid time.

Then on Sunday afternoon my hubby and I went to a wedding shower, and in the evening a wedding! (Two different couples, of course.) Both were a lot of fun, especially the wedding - we got to see a lot of people we hadn’t spent time with in awhile, and the wedding itself was beautiful - very Christ-centered and full of His grace. It was a truly lovely day - but boy, was I exhausted at the end of it all! The daily high temperature is getting up to about 95 degrees fahrenheit now, and I am starting to understand why everyone told me it was so great that I won’t be pregnant through the hottest part of the summer!

There is a lot going through my brain right now, but I have been hesitant to write about it, for lots of different reasons. The baby is due in 17 days, and I find that childbirth is consuming most of my thoughts. We have taken Bradley Method childbirth classes in preparation to have a natural childbirth - meaning, no drugs or interventions if we can at all avoid it. While plenty of well-meaning people have told me I’m crazy for wanting to avoid pain relief in childbirth (maybe you’re one of them!), it’s really important to me. But as it draws closer, I find myself becoming fearful that I won’t be able to do it, and that I will crumble under the intensity of it all and start begging for drugs.

If you’re a praying person, please pray for me concerning this.

Please pray that through God’s grace and strength, I will endure the pain. Here is one way to pray: If you know us, you probably know that we want to move overseas someday, and we might possibly move to an area of the world where martyrdom is a real possibility. While I am not afraid to die for my faith, I have always feared the pain of being tortured for my faith. I am actually trying to look at the pain of childbirth as a sort of “testing ground” for that. Sounds weird, maybe, I know…but it’s true.

Well, I am supposed to be sleeping right now, so I think I’ll head back to bed. My sweet hubby doesn’t even know I’m missing - these middle-of-the-night sojourns are becoming more and more normal to me and I’m so glad that he can just sleep through them. At least one of us will still be rested when the baby gets here! Ha…

This past Sunday, I hadn’t felt the baby move much all day. By the time evening rolled around, I was pretty worried - she had just been entirely too still for too long, in my opinion. My sweet hubby tried to reassure me, but I would not be placated. Finally he offered to listen for her heartbeat. We had heard that when you’re this far along, you might be able to hear the heartbeat without any special instruments. So I lied down on the bed, and he pressed his ear up against my belly, right over my belly button. I tried to be as still and quiet as possible so that nothing would distract or interfere. We stayed like that for a minute or two, and then suddenly, without warning, I felt a force as though I had been punched in the stomach - from the inside! I gasped, and then laughed aloud, as Hubby quickly jerked his head off my belly and hollered, “She just kicked me in the face!”

Apparently things are already squished enough in there, without someone’s ear pressing in against her. She wasn’t too happy, but I was!

….but more often than not, you can find me lying awake these days, anywhere from about 4 am to 6 am. It’s as though I’m exhausted enough to fall sleep at 10 or 11 pm, despite all my pregnancy discomfort, but by 4 am I’ve gotten enough sleep that the discomfort begins to override the exhaustion. At least, this is what I think my body must be doing. It’s infuriating. Mostly, I just repeat, “God, please let me fall back to sleep,” over and over again. But then hunger usually kicks in - I’m hungrier than ever! - and I know there is no way I’ll go back to sleep with the rumbling in my tummy. So, it’s snacktime. At 5 am. It’s ridiculous. And, I have to say that I am a little tired of people telling me that all this is just preparation for when the baby comes. It’s not exactly very encouraging. Grrrr.

OK - I’m done with my snack. I’m going to try to sleep some more now, since I have to wake up in an hour.