Just wanted to let you know i haven’t abandoned my blog - if anyone out there is still reading…. I have apparently been given a child that is not happy unless she is literally attached to me during her every waking moment. Which makes typing a little challenging. And when she’s sleeping, I am supposed to sleep, too, (since I am awake a lot during the night when she eats) as well as shower and eat. The sleeping part is important for warding off post-partum depression, according to my doctor. So we are really trying to follow doctor’s orders - not to mention I live in a brain fog now that is caused by never sleeping for more than 2 or 3 hours at any one given time. So, sleeping, eating, showering - that’s about all my life consists of these days. Hence, if I’m on the computer, then one of those three things isn’t happening. And that’s bad.

Not that I’m complaining. Just wanted to explain. Hopefully someday soon I will rejoin the land of normalcy. I hear at six weeks things get better, so we’re halfway there! Almost.

OK - gotta go try and get a nap before she wakes….

Well, she has finally arrived! It was a long, exhausting, intense labor - 24 hours of intense. I don’t have time or energy to say much right now, other than God is so good. I was able to labor and deliver naturally - that is to say, without pain meds, which is what I had hoped for. I give all glory and thanks to God for that - He was my strength and my comfort. My hubby was an amazing partner who never left my side the whole time, and our doula Christina was invaluable - I don’t think we could have done it without her. There were many small complications that arose and the whole birth story is pretty amazing; I plan to write it down soon, and post it here. In the meantime, I just offer a few pictures of my little girl who has stolen my heart completely. She is a joy and a gift and I have been overwhelmed with gratitude to the Lord for entrusting such an amazing little person to us.

It’s 5:50 am. My water broke at 5:00 am. The contractions are about 8 minutes apart. Whoo hoo!

Well, I am one week and six days from my due date, which actually means that baby could join us at anytime now. The flurry of activity that I’ve been putting myself through in preparation for her arrival - that “nesting” instinct - has started to slow down a little bit, as there is less and less organizing to do (although I’m sure I could always find something else!). I feel as though I’ve entered a sort of holding pattern - like when your plane arrives at its destination, only you’re not allowed to land yet, because of weather conditions or whatnot. So you just circle and circle the city, looking down at it from 3,000 feet - so close yet still so far - and all you want to do is get off the plane and go home to what is familiar and comfortable. Only, in this case, I’m not going anywhere even remotely familiar. It is new and uncharted territory, and while I’ve never shied away from exploring new places and cultures, this is entirely different.

Lately I’ve heard stories and comments from various people about the way that their baby arrived when “they were ready.” I didn’t really pick up on the theme, actually, but my hubby did, and the other night he asked me whether or not I was “ready.” He wasn’t talking about nursery decorations or having our bags packed for the hospital stay; rather, he was talking about my emotions and my state of mind. Had I really embraced the reality of this baby’s arrival, and decided I was ready? I think he was only half-serious, but the question triggered something inside of me, and I realized that actually, I didn’t really feel ready at all. As much I dislike being pregnant and would love for it to be done with, at least I know how to be pregnant. It’s become normal and familiar, and I know what to expect and how to handle it. It’s something I imagine that I have a measure of control over (vain imaginings, to be sure, but the illusion is there, nonetheless).

However, I have no idea what lies beyond pregnancy. I don’t have a clue about the ways that my life and my marriage are about to change. There is excitement and joy, to be sure, but there is also a fear of the unknown. And because it’s the unknown, I must relinquish my illusions of control - and oh, how I love that illusion. Entering this world of parenthood will be the biggest transition I’ve ever made, and it’s a really big deal, and there’s no going back. There is a song by Sara Groves called “Painting Pictures of Egypt,” and while it’s not perfectly appropriate to my situation, I can relate somewhat, especially to this part:

I was dying for some freedom
But now I hesitate to go
I’m caught between the promise
And the things I know

Man, isn’t this true for all of us sometimes, at the start of a new venture? God is always stretching us, taking us out of our comfort zone and asking us to take that next step of faith with Him. I know I’m far from alone in this, and that’s both comforting and strengthening to my heart. As I talked with God and my hubby about these things, and shed quite a few tears to boot, I came to realize, once again, how faithful our Father is. We often forget it, in our human frailty and self-absorption. But faithful He is and always will be. Not only that, but He is also good. Yeehaw! He has replaced my fears with faith, and everytime I’m tempted to let the fears back in, He is standing by to replace them all over again.

So, I think I’m ready now. Actually, my parents are in Montana on vacation, and won’t be back until Tuesday night. I’d like them to be a little closer than Montana when I have the baby, so I think I will be ready on Tuesday night! And in the meantime I’ll continue to wait on God. There’s a reason for every holding pattern He gives us - something I should learn, or something that should happen - while I’m circling this great unknown place, waiting to touch down.

Today my husband had coffee with a friend of ours who lives in East Asia. He’s in town for a few months this summer and they’ve been trying to get together for a little while now. This friend is one of those very intense personality types who is always reading, always learning, always pushing people out of their comfort zone (himself included), and always full of ideas and thinking of better ways to do things. He has strong opinions, but they’re usually good opinions. It’s always stimulating to spend time with him, and for my hubby, today was no exception.

My husband came home and filled me in on some of their conversation. They had talked of many things related to the gospel and being who we’re called to be, and one of the key points was intentionality. Small, intentional communities that encourage and hold accountable; intentional relationships with the people God has brought into our lives; intentional time in God’s word - all of these things might sound familiar and old to some. But as I listened, I realized how small my world has become lately. Preparing to become a mom has, in some ways, consumed my life. My days are filled with laundering little pink things, reading up on parenting philosophies, organizing our home in preparation for a new addition, etc. It is both to my credit and one of my flaws that I generally approach new ventures with a determination to learn everything there is to know, and to attain perfection in that venture - or as close to it as you can get. My approach to parenting hasn’t really been any different.

But tunnel vision isn’t exactly what I’m after, either. It’s been awhile since I thought about intentionally building relationships outside of my Christian circle. It’s been awhile since I felt the fire that I used to thrive on, thinking missionally about everyone I meet and everything I do. I don’t like that. I have seen how people become too comfortable with their lives: get married, buy a home, have a baby, buy a bigger car, find a better job, have another baby, etc. There’s nothing necessarily wrong with this picture - IF you’re able to do it all with a Kingdom perspective - IF you can remain unattached to it all - if you can step outside of it at any given moment and know that there is something much more glorious worth living and dying for, and know that you’d chuck it all if you were asked. But that’s just it - most people can’t do that. Most people get sucked into the “American Dream,” and never realize that they’ve set aside God’s dreams for them.

Lord, spare me from such foolishness. Help me to balance becoming a mom with continuing to become the person You created me to be, and rekindle the fire inside of me for Your gospel and Your glory to be made known to all the peoples of the earth - on the other side of the world, as well as right here in my neighborhood.

I’m done! I’m done! I’m done!

Yesterday was my last day at the office, and as of today I am officially a stay-at-home-almost-mom. Isn’t that CRAZY?!? Well, at least it’s crazy to me. Except for brief periods of transition, I’ve had a job from the moment I turned sixteen. Yesterday I was at the office pretty late, cleaning up files and cleaning out my cube, and generally just wrapping things up. I turned off the computer for the last time, turned off the lights, and looked around - not really believing that I wouldn’t be coming back today, or ever again. It was very surreal. Then I went downstairs, turned in my keys and credit card, and walked out those doors for the last time as an employee. Very weird.

But very…… happy. I have been looking forward to this day for a long time, and all mixed emotions aside, I am primarily so happy and relieved to be able to stay home and REST a little bit, before my baby arrives on the scene (due date is 4 weeks from today!).

So, what did I do today on my first day at home? Well, I slept in a little bit, had an appointment at church for the 2007 Hope Arts Festival this summer, came home and had a little lunch, and then slept some more! Hee hee hee… Sleep has become such a coveted commodity these days. I make no apologies.

And tonight I am having a hot date with my hubby! We’re going to eat Indian food, and then we’ll probably come home and watch a movie or something. Not quite the dream date I described in the previous post, but then again, I’m not supposed to be pregnant in the dream date. So that will just have to wait…..

It’s Saturday, and I am pretty tired. It’s been a long week - I’ve been training my replacement at work, and it’s going really well, but it’s exhausting having to think so intentionally and explicitly about things that I do all the time without a second thought. Hence, the reason I haven’t written in awhile, and my brain is still feeling worn out today.

We finally started cleaning out the room which will be the baby’s room. It has been the junk storage room since August, so there is a LOT to clean out. Hubby, of course, is actually doing most of the work - thank you, honey! But it has made everything a little more real, seeing this room transform into a baby’s room. There’s still a part of me that’s thinking, “What do we need a baby’s room for? Who’s having a baby?” Oh yeah, that would be me. And I keep forgetting that as of this coming Thursday, I will no longer be working at my current job. Just this morning, I was thinking about the next few weekends and how we have something planned for each of them, and feeling regretful that there would be no down time. Then I remembered, “Wait - who needs weekends?!? Everyday will be a weekend soon!” YEAH! That’s a nice thought!

So, in closing, I offer you all a little silliness, albeit silliness with a message. In the sidebar over to the right, under “Friends & Other Stuff,” I added a link called Store Wars. It’s pretty funny - check it out.

Yesterday was the first official step in my transition to staying at home: they hired my replacement at work.  I’ll start training her on Monday the 21st.  I think my boss made a good choice and she’ll do a great job, but it feels pretty surreal to me.  I’ve worked here for almost three years - which is the longest that I’ve been at any one job! - and leaving here is bringing up so many strange emotions that I wasn’t expecting to feel.   (And don’t tell me it’s just the pregnancy hormones talking.  :)) 

The thing is that when I took this job, I knew it wasn’t what I wanted in a “career,” but it was, in my mind, a transitional job, and I knew I would enjoy it.  I started this job as a single; I got married about nine months in, and I never wanted to deal with too much change at any given time, and so the job continued.  But as time went on, it got more and more difficult to think about leaving, due to an overly loyal streak, and the timing never seemed right.  However, I was also getting more and more unhappy, as I realized that I would never have an opportunity to use the gifts and talents that I enjoy using the most.  There was no chance for any kind of advancement, and the truth is that because it’s a male-dominated culture in my office, it would never even occur to anyone that I might have more to offer than anyone was willing to give me credit for.  Does that sound horrible?

I’m not a feminist by any means - I love the role that I have assumed in my marriage and home, and I have a feeling that becoming a stay-at-home-mom will be my favorite job yet.  But there’s still something pretty disappointing in walking away from an office after three years and feeling like you were never truly able to be who you were meant to be. 

Maybe it’s pride?….  I’m not sure. 

And yet, this has been the place I spent most of my waking hours for quite some time now.  It’s familiar and comfortable.  And I will miss the people.  Only nine more days.  So weird!